Beginning of a Transformation
It started with a t-shirt. It was a simple fix to cover a swimsuit. The problem wasn't the swimsuit it covered, but rather the person in the swimsuit. It didn't matter which t-shirt I used as long as it covered a vast amount of the scars on my arms. Nothing could cover the scars on my legs, but I figured if I was going in the pool, I doubt people would be staring at my legs for any length of time. After all, they would most likely notice how big I was first before they noticed the scars. I told myself, "Just get in the pool and get over the fact people are going to stare." This t-shirt, I'd hoped, would at least throw the attention off the arms. Two years ago I had been to this particular pool, when someone asked why I wore the shirt. I was so flustered I didn't have an answer. I knew why but I wasn't ready to deal with that yet.
The fact is, I'm a recovering self-injurer. I injured daily to multiple times a day for 23 years of my life. On June 25, 2007, I went to SAFE Alternatives, which was in Texas at that time. The journey is outlined in Skeleton #2 (graphic). When I came back, I decided it was time to change my life. I learned how to feel, and got in touch with who I wanted to be.
In the Fall of 2009, I sought treatment for my major depression disorder which I'd had for my entire life. I had to fall apart to start to put the pieces back together, but not in the way someone else told me to. No, this time it would be the way I wanted it to be. I'd never known what I wanted for myself. I've discovered I want love and intimacy. I want to feel that no matter who I'm with, they will accept me for me. Scars, weight, health problems, mental illness, are what I chose to hide for years believing I was flawed, worthless, and not worthy of acceptance let alone love and intimacy.
So, when I started talking to C. on Twitter, I was shocked to hear that it didn't matter what I looked like, what I weighed, or the scars all over my body. I was more than just what I looked like. I decided I didn't need the weight to hide behind anymore. I joined an athletic club with a kick ass pool. I began to swim, and wore the t-shirt over an old swimsuit. Talking more and more to this person, I slowly began to realize that I'm not the person my husband made me think I was. It started a process I was unsure I was ready to make.
I'd gotten a new swimsuit, and Monday evening in the changing room, I put it on. Looking in the mirror, I slipped on the t-shirt over the suit. The fabric fell to my hips, and it felt so safe. Familiar. Protective. As I entered the water, something just didn't feel right. I figured I wasn't accustomed to the new swimsuit. I tried to ignore the feeling as I stretched, but it just got worse. The fabric didn't feel right in the water. I just didn't feel right. I began to try and figure out what it was about the feeling. A thought popped into my head: Hiding. That was it. I was still hiding. I was spending so much time trying to work on the emotions, that I didn't realize I was still hiding physically. Shame. Self-loathing. Flawed. Worthless. Hiding. Those were the same emotions and behaviors I experienced when I injured myself. This was going to stop. Nearly three years after I began this journey, I was still hiding.
In one quick movement, I stood up and flipped the wet t-shirt off of me and tied it around my water bottle. I turned and began to swim to deeper waters. Despite my self-consciousness, a feeling swept over me. It was water on my shoulders. I suddenly had a memory of when my sister and I would spend the night on our private beach of Lake Michigan. She and I would go swimming naked at night. The feeling of being free gliding through the water was the same sensation I was experiencing now. Freedom, strength, being vulnerable, and transformation all rolled into one.
So, as I approach June 25th, I can say I'm not going to hide in shame anymore. And in a dark fuchsia swimsuit, I don't think I could.
Thank you CS. Your words have meant a lot to me.
Posted by kitterztoo at 6/21/2010 1:02 AM 
Categories: Discovery
Tags: love pool blog progress t-shirt 2010 self-injury swimsuit journey twitter
Categories: Discovery
Tags: love pool blog progress t-shirt 2010 self-injury swimsuit journey twitter
Very brave! I'm proud of you, and hope things continue to improve inside your head and out!
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I am glad you met someone who finally got the idea through that fabulous brain of yours that you are worthy and beautiful. Too many years being treated as though you are not will kill anyone. I am so proud of you for fighting your way back to living life fully. *hugs*
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So proud for you! My daughter is a self injurer (or was). She still hides her arms. Will not wear a short sleeve shirt even if its 104 degrees. She still needs some help, but I hope she can get there just like you did.
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