Longing for Something More
Lately, I've been seeing the same couple in the pool and at the private changing areas. Both are in their late 50s to early 60s, and I know they're married because of the matching rings on their left hands. He must have had a stroke, but it seems it wasn't recently. He can walk fairly well with assistance, and she is right there by his side. That's not quite what captured my attention. It's not the typical caretaker role I see most common by many couples. I'm quite familiar with that role as my husband assumed it for quite a number of years. What I saw is so much different with this couple.
He moves along the edge of the pool and she is right behind him. Even when they glide across the length of the pool, she is gently behind him. Their conversation together always fascinates me. Of course, I have to pretend I don't hear them because I don't want to appear like one of those creepy, nosy, staring ladies. Trust me, there are plenty of those elderly women in my aquatics class without me adding to the mix. As the couple glides along in the water, they discuss trips they've made, movies, flowers in the garden, and family. She is there with her head on his left shoulder blade sideways as if in a tender embrace.
Then it hits me. This isn't just care-taking. It's love. Tender, gentle, eternal love throughout the trial of his recovery from stroke. It's as if disabilities and time had been erased. As I watch them covertly, I feel as if I'm intruding on private moment between them. Intimate. Loving. Caring. Tender. I could feel the blush spread across my face and I dove below the water to try to abate it. I wanted to cry. I knew why.
I was ready for intimacy and love in my life. I didn't have it. Sure it's just a word to people. To me, it's a feeling, a strong desire to be shown love. Empathy. I was ready and willing to receive that in my life. I wanted it. I'm not talking the false desire given by infatuation. This feeling is so much deeper than that. I long for it. Crave it. Wanting to give that to someone who could truly return it sincerely.
I watch on Twitter, a different couple's interactions with one another. It's how I identified what it was I was seeing in the pool. @grnladybug and @uanmeintn are a married couple on Twitter. I have watched their genuine love for one another for many months. Through health problems and struggles, they are the epitome of what I long for in my life. I know I shouldn't envy them, yet sometimes I ache when I see what I don't have.
I know I can easily get stuck in this place of longing for something more. Seeing only what is missing and mourning. I realistically know my marriage is most likely broken beyond repair. I know I must learn from my mistakes so I don't repeat them in the future. Seeing these couples interact, I'm beginning to realize what I want for myself. I haven't ever given myself that opportunity. It was always what others said I deserved, what I should do, or my misguided belief that it was all I would ever get.
It's the longing for something more that seems to be pushing me forward. It feels like sticking a toe in the water, feeling the temperature, and determining whether to jump in. It feels foreign, but I'm not shying away anymore. I deserve something more.
Posted by kitterztoo at 6/3/2010 8:37 PM 
Categories: Facets of Me, Twitter
Tags: love relationship couples feelings blog longing 2010 marriage journey twitter
Categories: Facets of Me, Twitter
Tags: love relationship couples feelings blog longing 2010 marriage journey twitter
I love you Nicole! I'm honored to be a roll model with @uanmeintn of how love should be. He and I have had our share of past failures. It took me 2 times to get it right & my sweet hubs....well just call me #5 or more accurately hubs counted down to #1....me....I couldn't be more blessed....even with the hardships....even with a hubs with a chronic condition that could take him from me.
I pray your blessed with all of this someday...
We luv u!
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This was a beautiful post.
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Oh, how I want more! A partner not an overlord. We both deserve it. *hug*
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Been there. And your feelings, plus the realization that I was giving my boys a defective role model for love and intimacy, not to mention gender equity, is what finally made me put an end to things.
I haven't been able to fulfill my desire for an intimate relationship, but I sure know a helluva lot more about how to create and maintain intimacy in the next one. Which will come. One day. Won't it?
You know where to find me if you need an ear. There's power and grace in the tribe.
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I've missed you as I am barely on Twitter at all anymore. Glad I stopped by and read this beautiful post. I love you and hope you get everything your heart desires but until you have that perfect partner give all of that love to yourself and your girls!!!
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